Thursday, April 2, 2009

Loving and Losing

I lost me aunt Sharon last Saturday. She was my father's only sibling and really a neat lady. She always seemed to be in a good mood even though I think that she often had good reason not to be. I loved her very much and will miss her.
What I am struggling with right now is that I was already missing her, just as I have been missing such a huge portion of my family for the last 18 years or so. Due to the proverbial "circumstances beyond my control" the amazing extended family I grew up with was torn in two and has never been repaired. It is the kind of thing that you learn to live with (or in my case learn to live across the state from) but never really fully adjust to.
Last month I finally made the decision to hand my broken family over to God and trust him to restore it (knowing full well that that may not happen in this life). I gave up my feelings of guilt and responsibility and my fears and feelings of being rejected. Now I carry with me a "restoration rock" that reminds me that God is in control of this situation.
So, I know that what I'm feeling right now is just the enemy trying to strike where I'm weak. I just wish that things were different, sometimes. I wish I had the right words to say that would heal the wounds and restore my family so that my kids could know the joy of my youth.