Patience has never been one of my more developed qualities. I may not be one to lose my patience easily, but I have not ever had a knack for waiting on God, trusting His timing, all of that good stuff. I tend to take matters into my own hands rather than continue to wait for His plan to become apparent. So eight years ago when my life crumbled around me and I had to, sort of, begin again, I promised God that I would wait this time. Admittedly, I didn't promise to be patient, just to wait. Eight years is no small amount of time any way you look at it. Honestly, I think if God had told me at the time that I would have to wait for eight years, I think I would have said forget it!
So, what have my eight years of waiting brought me?
Fame? No.
Fortune? Certainly not.
Nor has some amazing, life changing event occurred in my life. In fact, I can't even look at any particular event or moment that could be called the end of my waiting.
What I have is peace. "Peace that passes all understanding." I believe that is how He puts it.
I am "all good". My relationships with family and friends are all I could hope for them to be, I have 2 children who bless my heart everyday, I have a husband who... well, if I could describe how wonderful he makes me feel, I'd be over-qualified for a Pulitzer Prize.
In just a few weeks, I will be a college student again, and I am more confident in my own abilities than I ever thought I could be.
For the first time in my life, I am not at all concerned that my facade is going to fall and expose the real me. There is no facade. I am wholly exposed to the world around me and the feeling is exhilarating! I am aware that the picture isn't perfect, but it is perfectly me. I am exactly who God wants me to be.
One of the big pseudo- philosophical questions of all time is, "If you died right now, would you feel like you made a difference; like you mattered; like you had made your peace with the world?"
My answer: If I died right now, the next words I would hear are, "Well done, my good and faithful servant."
Who could ask for anything more?
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
In a Hurry but Felt the Need to Update
So...... *deep breath*
Life is good. CJ has finished his years @ Cornerstone Christian School and will be entering Jenifer Junior High as a 9th gradeer in the Fall. Prayers for this new chapter in his life are greatly apreciated. Mac is officially a middle-schooler entering 6th grade @ CCS this year. She is still pursuing dance and doing quite well. Troy is the greatest hubby I could ever hope for. He has the power to make me feel like the most amazing person on Earth. He works hard everyday and still comes home happy to see me and positive! I am not going to be on TV :(. I don't think that the show got picked up. Miss Saigon is over but it was AWESOME!! So many loved ones came to see me and many from miles away!!! Thanks! This show really gave my self esteem a boost! Now I am in the process of getting into college! I have a good on-campus job prospect, I have been accepted, and have applied for financial aide. I will register for classes in about 2 1/2 weeks and shortly after find out if I can actually afford it LOL! Please be praying that I will stay focused on God's direction in this and make the right decisions for my family.
Life is good. CJ has finished his years @ Cornerstone Christian School and will be entering Jenifer Junior High as a 9th gradeer in the Fall. Prayers for this new chapter in his life are greatly apreciated. Mac is officially a middle-schooler entering 6th grade @ CCS this year. She is still pursuing dance and doing quite well. Troy is the greatest hubby I could ever hope for. He has the power to make me feel like the most amazing person on Earth. He works hard everyday and still comes home happy to see me and positive! I am not going to be on TV :(. I don't think that the show got picked up. Miss Saigon is over but it was AWESOME!! So many loved ones came to see me and many from miles away!!! Thanks! This show really gave my self esteem a boost! Now I am in the process of getting into college! I have a good on-campus job prospect, I have been accepted, and have applied for financial aide. I will register for classes in about 2 1/2 weeks and shortly after find out if I can actually afford it LOL! Please be praying that I will stay focused on God's direction in this and make the right decisions for my family.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Loving and Losing
I lost me aunt Sharon last Saturday. She was my father's only sibling and really a neat lady. She always seemed to be in a good mood even though I think that she often had good reason not to be. I loved her very much and will miss her.
What I am struggling with right now is that I was already missing her, just as I have been missing such a huge portion of my family for the last 18 years or so. Due to the proverbial "circumstances beyond my control" the amazing extended family I grew up with was torn in two and has never been repaired. It is the kind of thing that you learn to live with (or in my case learn to live across the state from) but never really fully adjust to.
Last month I finally made the decision to hand my broken family over to God and trust him to restore it (knowing full well that that may not happen in this life). I gave up my feelings of guilt and responsibility and my fears and feelings of being rejected. Now I carry with me a "restoration rock" that reminds me that God is in control of this situation.
So, I know that what I'm feeling right now is just the enemy trying to strike where I'm weak. I just wish that things were different, sometimes. I wish I had the right words to say that would heal the wounds and restore my family so that my kids could know the joy of my youth.
What I am struggling with right now is that I was already missing her, just as I have been missing such a huge portion of my family for the last 18 years or so. Due to the proverbial "circumstances beyond my control" the amazing extended family I grew up with was torn in two and has never been repaired. It is the kind of thing that you learn to live with (or in my case learn to live across the state from) but never really fully adjust to.
Last month I finally made the decision to hand my broken family over to God and trust him to restore it (knowing full well that that may not happen in this life). I gave up my feelings of guilt and responsibility and my fears and feelings of being rejected. Now I carry with me a "restoration rock" that reminds me that God is in control of this situation.
So, I know that what I'm feeling right now is just the enemy trying to strike where I'm weak. I just wish that things were different, sometimes. I wish I had the right words to say that would heal the wounds and restore my family so that my kids could know the joy of my youth.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Reality TV here I come!!!
So Lifetime TV (or "Men are Evil" TV as my husband likes to call it) is preparing to produce a reality show about community theatre. They contacted the Lewiston Civic Theatre and asked them to apply for the show. They were told to choose 10 people who represented the theatre in all different areas of production. I am one of the 10 chosen! I had to fill out a brief questionnaire and have a head shot taken. The kids, because they are involved as well, also will submit forms and photos.
I have no idea if we will be chosen to participate or how it will all go but I am rather excited at the prospect of it all. Reality TV is one of my most guilty pleasures, but I never thought that there would be even a chance of me being part of one. I'm still kind of laughing at the whole idea of it.
Somehow, apparently, at the end of it all, someone may get to be involved in the Broadway revival of Beauty and the Beast. That would be cool! Although theatre has been a passion of mine forever and I've always loved it, I never really even thought to pursue it at any level beyond pure enjoyment. ~ It's kind of my drug ~ but I have always dreamed of what it would be like to perform at a higher level. I'm sure I'm no different than anyone else. I wouldn't mind having my fifteen minutes in the spotlight! Heck, if it got me to Broadway, I HOLD the spot light!
I have no idea if we will be chosen to participate or how it will all go but I am rather excited at the prospect of it all. Reality TV is one of my most guilty pleasures, but I never thought that there would be even a chance of me being part of one. I'm still kind of laughing at the whole idea of it.
Somehow, apparently, at the end of it all, someone may get to be involved in the Broadway revival of Beauty and the Beast. That would be cool! Although theatre has been a passion of mine forever and I've always loved it, I never really even thought to pursue it at any level beyond pure enjoyment. ~ It's kind of my drug ~ but I have always dreamed of what it would be like to perform at a higher level. I'm sure I'm no different than anyone else. I wouldn't mind having my fifteen minutes in the spotlight! Heck, if it got me to Broadway, I HOLD the spot light!
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
More on my amazing boy!
I HAD to share this one!
So CJ and I are on our way to the bank yesterday to open his new savings account. (Good boy) As we head down the road he starts a very nervous introduction to a question, "Um, Mom, I've been wanting to ask you something for a while now. I feel kinda silly and I hope that it doesn't make you mad. I mean its not a BIG deal but I'm just not really sure what you'll say......"
"Son!" I stop him. "What is it? You know you will never get in trouble for just asking a question."
"Okay well, I was wondering if it is okay for me to use the word C R A P?" Yes. He actually spelled it out.
Now I have to add here that "crap" is a word that I am guilty of using WAY too much. I know he hears it from me often, so I am a bit surprised, really, that he is asking at all.
Then he goes on to explain that he tends to use the word "crud" and that seems like kind of a little kid word and he feels funny saying it. He thinks that C R A P (he's still just spelling it) is a little more grown up.
Now I have to interject (now that I have staved off the urge to laugh and cry at the same time) and tell him that using more vulgar words doesn't make a person sound more grown up and if that is his logic he's only a few years from thinking he should say s#*! instead and that certainly isn't okay with me.
He agrees.
As this is going on, my mind travels back to previous "swearing" episodes with the boy:
When he was about 4, he had one of those cheap, hollow plastic hockey sets. One day, we were getting into the 4 door Cavalier I was driving at the time and he was trying to get one of the hockey sticks in the back seat. Suddenly I heard, "Ugh! This damn hockey stick!"
"Christian!" I nearly choked. "You can't say that!"
After a stunned pause, he says, "I can't say 'hockey stick' ?!"
Seriously! - I about died trying to quell the laughter.
"No, son, you can't say 'damn'. Its a bad word."
"You said not to say 'dang'."
"That's because it sounds like 'damn'."
BIG sigh, "Okay, Mama."
And I've never heard a foul word out of his mouth since - honestly!
In first grade, when his classmates were talking about bad words that they knew using the single letter abreviations - 's' word, 'd' word - he told his teacher that he only knew the 'm' word and the 'd' word. "Mom and Dad?" He told her questioningly.
Now it would thrill me to say that in our God-fearing home there is never a foul word to be heard, but that would be a lie. I'm certainly no sailor but I do tend to slip and Troy.... well, he... yeah he's a bit worse, lets say. My point being: the boy hears swear words. Maybe not daily, but often enough that he could have easily picked up one or two and - getting back to the main story - probably never should have questioned the use of the C R A P word.
So I first have to take a moment to let him know how much I apreciate the level of respect that his request exhibts and thank him for honoring his dad and me that way. He blushes a little. Then I go on to explain to him that he won't get in trouble for occassionally using the word but that it is certainly not apropriate for school or youth group and shouldn't be over-used.
What a joy! Really, the kid is 14! How many 14 yr olds ask permission to say "crap"?!
So CJ and I are on our way to the bank yesterday to open his new savings account. (Good boy) As we head down the road he starts a very nervous introduction to a question, "Um, Mom, I've been wanting to ask you something for a while now. I feel kinda silly and I hope that it doesn't make you mad. I mean its not a BIG deal but I'm just not really sure what you'll say......"
"Son!" I stop him. "What is it? You know you will never get in trouble for just asking a question."
"Okay well, I was wondering if it is okay for me to use the word C R A P?" Yes. He actually spelled it out.
Now I have to add here that "crap" is a word that I am guilty of using WAY too much. I know he hears it from me often, so I am a bit surprised, really, that he is asking at all.
Then he goes on to explain that he tends to use the word "crud" and that seems like kind of a little kid word and he feels funny saying it. He thinks that C R A P (he's still just spelling it) is a little more grown up.
Now I have to interject (now that I have staved off the urge to laugh and cry at the same time) and tell him that using more vulgar words doesn't make a person sound more grown up and if that is his logic he's only a few years from thinking he should say s#*! instead and that certainly isn't okay with me.
He agrees.
As this is going on, my mind travels back to previous "swearing" episodes with the boy:
When he was about 4, he had one of those cheap, hollow plastic hockey sets. One day, we were getting into the 4 door Cavalier I was driving at the time and he was trying to get one of the hockey sticks in the back seat. Suddenly I heard, "Ugh! This damn hockey stick!"
"Christian!" I nearly choked. "You can't say that!"
After a stunned pause, he says, "I can't say 'hockey stick' ?!"
Seriously! - I about died trying to quell the laughter.
"No, son, you can't say 'damn'. Its a bad word."
"You said not to say 'dang'."
"That's because it sounds like 'damn'."
BIG sigh, "Okay, Mama."
And I've never heard a foul word out of his mouth since - honestly!
In first grade, when his classmates were talking about bad words that they knew using the single letter abreviations - 's' word, 'd' word - he told his teacher that he only knew the 'm' word and the 'd' word. "Mom and Dad?" He told her questioningly.
Now it would thrill me to say that in our God-fearing home there is never a foul word to be heard, but that would be a lie. I'm certainly no sailor but I do tend to slip and Troy.... well, he... yeah he's a bit worse, lets say. My point being: the boy hears swear words. Maybe not daily, but often enough that he could have easily picked up one or two and - getting back to the main story - probably never should have questioned the use of the C R A P word.
So I first have to take a moment to let him know how much I apreciate the level of respect that his request exhibts and thank him for honoring his dad and me that way. He blushes a little. Then I go on to explain to him that he won't get in trouble for occassionally using the word but that it is certainly not apropriate for school or youth group and shouldn't be over-used.
What a joy! Really, the kid is 14! How many 14 yr olds ask permission to say "crap"?!
Monday, March 9, 2009
I am Blessed!
This weekend was my churches annual (3 years so far) women's retreat.
For the first time, I was asked to speak. More specifically, I was asked to give a testimony about a particularly difficult time in my life when I was about 15.
I was so nervous about this testimony for a number of reasons; not the least of which being the fact that although I have 30 years of stage performance under my belt and have been involved in leading bible studies and such for over a decade, I have never publicly shared a testimony of my own personal life before.
I shared some of my "ugly" with these women and I was very concerned about how they would react to it.
Well, the reaction was SO MUCH MORE than I had even thought to hope for! Not only did God allow me to reach these ladies with what I had to say, but I was truly blessed by them! They (pretty much every one of them) all came to me one at a time and shred with me some way that my story had reached them. What a joy!!!! Two sisters who are both grandmas of teens (though they hardly look old enough) shared with me that they are determined to start a praying grandmas ministry- gather other grandmas of teens together to pray for kids regularly- and that my testimony fueled the fire for them to get going with it!
I won't go into the whole testimony here and now but I will touch on the basic point that I made because it is something that I am passionate about.
Remember that not everyone will share their pain. They are scared, embarrassed, or ashamed, perhaps. Or it may be that they have no one they feel they can share it with. In my case, I wasn't ready or willing to share my pain. Still it is there, and someone needs to pray for it. Ask God to show you who is hurting around you and how to pray for them and he will! We don't have to know the details of some one's pain in order to pray for them. In fact sometimes we are too concerned with the details and that becomes more like gossiping than helping.
It only takes a few extra seconds when you pray to say, "God, show me who I can pray for today".
Then when you see them, just say something nice, like, "Hey I thought of you today and it made me smile." I think we'd all agree that sometimes a nice comment like that can change our whole attitude!
For the first time, I was asked to speak. More specifically, I was asked to give a testimony about a particularly difficult time in my life when I was about 15.
I was so nervous about this testimony for a number of reasons; not the least of which being the fact that although I have 30 years of stage performance under my belt and have been involved in leading bible studies and such for over a decade, I have never publicly shared a testimony of my own personal life before.
I shared some of my "ugly" with these women and I was very concerned about how they would react to it.
Well, the reaction was SO MUCH MORE than I had even thought to hope for! Not only did God allow me to reach these ladies with what I had to say, but I was truly blessed by them! They (pretty much every one of them) all came to me one at a time and shred with me some way that my story had reached them. What a joy!!!! Two sisters who are both grandmas of teens (though they hardly look old enough) shared with me that they are determined to start a praying grandmas ministry- gather other grandmas of teens together to pray for kids regularly- and that my testimony fueled the fire for them to get going with it!
I won't go into the whole testimony here and now but I will touch on the basic point that I made because it is something that I am passionate about.
Remember that not everyone will share their pain. They are scared, embarrassed, or ashamed, perhaps. Or it may be that they have no one they feel they can share it with. In my case, I wasn't ready or willing to share my pain. Still it is there, and someone needs to pray for it. Ask God to show you who is hurting around you and how to pray for them and he will! We don't have to know the details of some one's pain in order to pray for them. In fact sometimes we are too concerned with the details and that becomes more like gossiping than helping.
It only takes a few extra seconds when you pray to say, "God, show me who I can pray for today".
Then when you see them, just say something nice, like, "Hey I thought of you today and it made me smile." I think we'd all agree that sometimes a nice comment like that can change our whole attitude!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Couldn't get much better!
So I just spent a few days in the Boise area visiting, and it was wonderful!
Friday night I had a nice visit with lil brother Ethan, his wife Kimberly and the kiddos. I am so thrilled to see how God is blessing their family and how, even though they met with such sorrow this year, there is great joy in their home. We spoke at some length about being "real" and honest about who you are and how just being as vulnerable as letting people know that you aren't always "okay" is a real blessing to people around you.
Saturday I got my Hamburger Connection fix!~ they make the best hot dogs and their special sauce is beyond comparison~ I got to see my sister-friend, Amber's new home in Nampa and hug on my sweet Livvie who is really changing from baby to big girl quickly! AND I had a great dinner and visit time with several of my "besties" from school days! I am so blessed to have these great girlfriends that have known me since my days of acne and insecurity and still love me! We talked of kids and husbands and the way we were and it was awesome! ~ So looking forward to our reunion in 3 years!
Sunday was church, a quick introduction to some of my mama's dearest friends including a nice time of prayer at her friend, Josta's home in the afternoon, then back to Caldwell to meet Enzo!
Enzo Cruz Luna is my newest nephew. He is the first child for my baby sister, Becca and her sweet hubby, Jaime. We all (lots of family) got together to meet Enzo at my dad's house ~ which he and Cheri recently did some redecorating/remodelling in and it looks fabulous! It was a great time and I so enjoy being with my family!
Monday we took Mackenzie and my niece, Justine, to the mall to go to Build-a-Bear. If you have little girls in your life and you haven't been there yet, you should go. Its a kick. Then home for dinner with sister, Jen and her kids and a quiet evening watching a movie with Mom and Dad.
Tuesday Mom, CJ and I got to tour MAF (Mission Aviation Fellowship). http://www.maf.org/ Its a really great organization where my lil bro, Phill works. Their primary purpose is to provide assistance to remote locations around the world that are most easily (or in some cases, only) reached by air. They transport teachers, missionaries, medical personnel and supplies~ whatever is needed. I am very proud of Phill for being part of this organization! Then we headed to Meridian to watch a dress rehearsal for my niece, Kate's cheer competition that will take place on Saturday. She did great! And she is such a beautiful girl! I finished up Tuesday night making dinner at lil bro Phill and pseudo bro John's new digs in Caldwell and watching a rather odd movie with some friends that I have adopted through Phill.
Wednesday was the drive home which went quite well and arriving at my new house~ that I LOVE~ and finding it so nice and clean!!! My hubby really stepped up and had the place looking great! He even painted a wall (which also turned out great). It was a perfect welcome home!!!
Today, I am just floating on the feel-good-ness of the whole week! Thank you, Lord for all of my blessings!!!!
Friday night I had a nice visit with lil brother Ethan, his wife Kimberly and the kiddos. I am so thrilled to see how God is blessing their family and how, even though they met with such sorrow this year, there is great joy in their home. We spoke at some length about being "real" and honest about who you are and how just being as vulnerable as letting people know that you aren't always "okay" is a real blessing to people around you.
Saturday I got my Hamburger Connection fix!~ they make the best hot dogs and their special sauce is beyond comparison~ I got to see my sister-friend, Amber's new home in Nampa and hug on my sweet Livvie who is really changing from baby to big girl quickly! AND I had a great dinner and visit time with several of my "besties" from school days! I am so blessed to have these great girlfriends that have known me since my days of acne and insecurity and still love me! We talked of kids and husbands and the way we were and it was awesome! ~ So looking forward to our reunion in 3 years!
Sunday was church, a quick introduction to some of my mama's dearest friends including a nice time of prayer at her friend, Josta's home in the afternoon, then back to Caldwell to meet Enzo!
Enzo Cruz Luna is my newest nephew. He is the first child for my baby sister, Becca and her sweet hubby, Jaime. We all (lots of family) got together to meet Enzo at my dad's house ~ which he and Cheri recently did some redecorating/remodelling in and it looks fabulous! It was a great time and I so enjoy being with my family!
Monday we took Mackenzie and my niece, Justine, to the mall to go to Build-a-Bear. If you have little girls in your life and you haven't been there yet, you should go. Its a kick. Then home for dinner with sister, Jen and her kids and a quiet evening watching a movie with Mom and Dad.
Tuesday Mom, CJ and I got to tour MAF (Mission Aviation Fellowship). http://www.maf.org/ Its a really great organization where my lil bro, Phill works. Their primary purpose is to provide assistance to remote locations around the world that are most easily (or in some cases, only) reached by air. They transport teachers, missionaries, medical personnel and supplies~ whatever is needed. I am very proud of Phill for being part of this organization! Then we headed to Meridian to watch a dress rehearsal for my niece, Kate's cheer competition that will take place on Saturday. She did great! And she is such a beautiful girl! I finished up Tuesday night making dinner at lil bro Phill and pseudo bro John's new digs in Caldwell and watching a rather odd movie with some friends that I have adopted through Phill.
Wednesday was the drive home which went quite well and arriving at my new house~ that I LOVE~ and finding it so nice and clean!!! My hubby really stepped up and had the place looking great! He even painted a wall (which also turned out great). It was a perfect welcome home!!!
Today, I am just floating on the feel-good-ness of the whole week! Thank you, Lord for all of my blessings!!!!
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